The dogs are flea bitten
The cats have balls
The women are beautiful
People smile at you
shop vendors add items for free
people ride five up on scooters
you wake up sweating
no-one ever looks hot (even when wearing jeans and jacket)
mosquitoes are silent (but still hurt)
men take their bulls for a walk
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Monday, May 21, 2007
silence
I don't know if there are any regular readers of this blog but unfortunatly I haven't had the inspiration to post. Hopefully if this teaching thing gets easier I'll start again!
Ciao
Paul
Ciao
Paul
Friday, May 4, 2007
serendipity
I used to have this 'skill' whereby I would go into a bookshop and pick out a book, flip it open randomly and, often, immediately read something applicable to my life. I haven't tried it much lately so I'm not sure if I still can. It is so tempting to put this down to some universal energy, or 'grace', as M. Scott peck might put it. More likely it is just that at any moment there is a rather large amount going on in my life, combined with the usual capacity (which everyone has in order to understand horoscopes) to personalize even vague text.
Mr. Peck in his analysis of grace points to the amazing fact that people survive even the most horrific car crashes as well as pointing to how we are able to often narrowly avoid death. He forgets that most of this can be explained statistically and through the fact that we are viewing our lives from the perspective of having survived. Anything at the long end of a causal chain will seem almost miraculous. It doesn't make it a result of 'grace'. Which isn't to say such a thing doesn't exist, only that Mr. Peck (at least in the one book I have read: The road less travelled) falls woefully short in the part attempt to explain it rationally.
Anyway, I am finding some wonderfully relevant stuff in the book I'm reading (the Aguero Sisters by Cristina Garcia). Here are some snippets:
''all evil begins with the first absence." -- And I have been thinking about what prompts some of the 'evil' in my thoughts.
"[I leave] the oppression of possibility." -- Fantastic. This is just what I've been feeling. All these people I have been meeting (the women particulary!), all the new sites in Thailand -- all give you the strong of possiblity. But it can feel oppressive. Especially if, for various reasons (CFS symptoms, self-confidence, knowldege of future consequnces) you feel restricted from taking advantage of them.
"expecting privledges I thought automaticaly came with risk." -- Perfect. How ridiculous humans are sometimes.
"Tranquility is nothing more than the good ordering of the mind." -- Recently I've suddenly suffured from indecision again. It is a incredibly distrubing state of mind. I wish I could remember the Aldous Huxley quote. Something about happiness just being a state of vigirous mental health, towards which meditation should be directed (and not to mystical experiance -- this must have been before the 60's!).
"Don't women understand that their peculiarites are what endear them to men? Rarely do the most conventionally beautiful women have the greatest hold over their mates." -- and, I've been thinking about this tension in me and in society. Our desires are in a large part delineated by the media (of course there is a dialectic) but at the same time we do not fall in love with, and to a dgreee, cannot fall in love with (since they hardly exist), perfect looking people. For those who cannot love the flaws in someone, loneliness beckons. But for many, perhaps, there is this gnawing sense of having accepted second best. How sad. And how boring a homogenously 'beautiful' people would be anyway. There is more to be said on this but I have to go...
Mr. Peck in his analysis of grace points to the amazing fact that people survive even the most horrific car crashes as well as pointing to how we are able to often narrowly avoid death. He forgets that most of this can be explained statistically and through the fact that we are viewing our lives from the perspective of having survived. Anything at the long end of a causal chain will seem almost miraculous. It doesn't make it a result of 'grace'. Which isn't to say such a thing doesn't exist, only that Mr. Peck (at least in the one book I have read: The road less travelled) falls woefully short in the part attempt to explain it rationally.
Anyway, I am finding some wonderfully relevant stuff in the book I'm reading (the Aguero Sisters by Cristina Garcia). Here are some snippets:
''all evil begins with the first absence." -- And I have been thinking about what prompts some of the 'evil' in my thoughts.
"[I leave] the oppression of possibility." -- Fantastic. This is just what I've been feeling. All these people I have been meeting (the women particulary!), all the new sites in Thailand -- all give you the strong of possiblity. But it can feel oppressive. Especially if, for various reasons (CFS symptoms, self-confidence, knowldege of future consequnces) you feel restricted from taking advantage of them.
"expecting privledges I thought automaticaly came with risk." -- Perfect. How ridiculous humans are sometimes.
"Tranquility is nothing more than the good ordering of the mind." -- Recently I've suddenly suffured from indecision again. It is a incredibly distrubing state of mind. I wish I could remember the Aldous Huxley quote. Something about happiness just being a state of vigirous mental health, towards which meditation should be directed (and not to mystical experiance -- this must have been before the 60's!).
"Don't women understand that their peculiarites are what endear them to men? Rarely do the most conventionally beautiful women have the greatest hold over their mates." -- and, I've been thinking about this tension in me and in society. Our desires are in a large part delineated by the media (of course there is a dialectic) but at the same time we do not fall in love with, and to a dgreee, cannot fall in love with (since they hardly exist), perfect looking people. For those who cannot love the flaws in someone, loneliness beckons. But for many, perhaps, there is this gnawing sense of having accepted second best. How sad. And how boring a homogenously 'beautiful' people would be anyway. There is more to be said on this but I have to go...
Railay
I so much prefer to travel by day. Unfortunately, there are only overnight buses south out of Bangkok. I slept very little; saw even less. What I did see was glimpsed through a small hole in a broken window alongside me, repaired with black duct tape. Wet streets, lights, plantations of some sort, a sense of emptiness. (A premonition, I think, of what teaching might be like: the loneliness of a foriegner who can't speak the local language. Well then, I'll just have to learn!)
The bus runs late. By the time I find a hotel in Krabi I've been travelling for about 17 hours instead of the promised 12. I vow that next time I will take the sleeper train or fly. The next day I join a group who are also travelling to Railay (the base for the rock climbing in the area). None of them are climbers though. As the small flat bottomed boat (perfect for travelling over reefs), pulls out, a couple from Oz (possibly Nz) -- him, big, but flabby and weak looking (long dirty hair); she, plump and saggy breasted, yellowed tshirt -- strike up a conversation with a welltaned freckled woman from the Uk. What do I remember from their conversation?
Long haired: I go to bed drunk every night. We can't sleep otherwise (wife nods demurely). Too hot. Mosquitoes. Bed bugs.
Uk: IthoughtIwasgoingtomovetoNewZealand butthenitjust... didn't feel right. SoIdecided, twoweeksinNZ ortwomonthsinThailand? wouldyoulikemyciggaretes? OnlywayIcan giveup. AndthenIcalledmyboyfreindandhesaid...
---
Long haired: After the Uk, thought we could go home and buy a farm. Live like hillbilys or something (grimaces slightly, as if realizing that we are all thinking he already looks like a hillbilly). Buy some sheep and stuff...
I stop listening and look around. The boat-ride fills me with anticipation. In the distance, huge limestone outcrops jut straight from the sea, one looking like the dorsal fin of some mosntrous sea creature. The light is harsh off the sea, and I have to squint to make out the horizon. On our right the wharf passes, boats in different stages of disintegration (some peeling, some half sunk - though still brightly coloured) and later, mangroves, their strange Medussa roots just showin in the high tide. In Railay, the other three, still in converstion go off to lunch together. I wander off and establish myself in a bungalow in the nearby Ton sai.
Ah, interesting lovely people:
the dreadlocked shirtless thai boatman who plays frisbee constantly. His abs impossibly ripped and shiny with sweat.
German climbing school owner (?). Married to a Thai. Embittered looking and loud mouthed. Standing far away from the beach in her little shop.
Canadian tourist. Phd in child psychology. Eastern features, dark oriental eyes (wickedly sparkling). The strangest build. Slight with strong hairy calfs and forearms (also covered in fine dark hair.
Gay american from San francisco. The most down to earth american I've met. Clear grey-blue eyes; greying goatee; bald but for a greying ponytail; wisps of hair coming directly out of his pointed nose. I ask what he does for a living. "A bit of reiki, a bit of porn, some escort work; I try not to worry about money; I just let it come; You can't worry about it." (More ironic stuff i wish i could remember). Slowly it dawns on me that he is hitting on me. Luckily, I was about to ask him how women react when he tells them he is a porn star. having done porn is it easy or harder going without sex? "I'm not sure really. It's hard to tell. I think its harder when you are gay." More of the same I won't bore you with...
I consider being bisexual for the night. After all, he is a porn star. I decide I prefer the Canadian. But, since I'm feeling tired and I'm leaving the next day, I go to bed alone once more... har har
The bus runs late. By the time I find a hotel in Krabi I've been travelling for about 17 hours instead of the promised 12. I vow that next time I will take the sleeper train or fly. The next day I join a group who are also travelling to Railay (the base for the rock climbing in the area). None of them are climbers though. As the small flat bottomed boat (perfect for travelling over reefs), pulls out, a couple from Oz (possibly Nz) -- him, big, but flabby and weak looking (long dirty hair); she, plump and saggy breasted, yellowed tshirt -- strike up a conversation with a welltaned freckled woman from the Uk. What do I remember from their conversation?
Long haired: I go to bed drunk every night. We can't sleep otherwise (wife nods demurely). Too hot. Mosquitoes. Bed bugs.
Uk: IthoughtIwasgoingtomovetoNewZealand butthenitjust... didn't feel right. SoIdecided, twoweeksinNZ ortwomonthsinThailand? wouldyoulikemyciggaretes? OnlywayIcan giveup. AndthenIcalledmyboyfreindandhesaid...
---
Long haired: After the Uk, thought we could go home and buy a farm. Live like hillbilys or something (grimaces slightly, as if realizing that we are all thinking he already looks like a hillbilly). Buy some sheep and stuff...
I stop listening and look around. The boat-ride fills me with anticipation. In the distance, huge limestone outcrops jut straight from the sea, one looking like the dorsal fin of some mosntrous sea creature. The light is harsh off the sea, and I have to squint to make out the horizon. On our right the wharf passes, boats in different stages of disintegration (some peeling, some half sunk - though still brightly coloured) and later, mangroves, their strange Medussa roots just showin in the high tide. In Railay, the other three, still in converstion go off to lunch together. I wander off and establish myself in a bungalow in the nearby Ton sai.
Ah, interesting lovely people:
the dreadlocked shirtless thai boatman who plays frisbee constantly. His abs impossibly ripped and shiny with sweat.
German climbing school owner (?). Married to a Thai. Embittered looking and loud mouthed. Standing far away from the beach in her little shop.
Canadian tourist. Phd in child psychology. Eastern features, dark oriental eyes (wickedly sparkling). The strangest build. Slight with strong hairy calfs and forearms (also covered in fine dark hair.
Gay american from San francisco. The most down to earth american I've met. Clear grey-blue eyes; greying goatee; bald but for a greying ponytail; wisps of hair coming directly out of his pointed nose. I ask what he does for a living. "A bit of reiki, a bit of porn, some escort work; I try not to worry about money; I just let it come; You can't worry about it." (More ironic stuff i wish i could remember). Slowly it dawns on me that he is hitting on me. Luckily, I was about to ask him how women react when he tells them he is a porn star. having done porn is it easy or harder going without sex? "I'm not sure really. It's hard to tell. I think its harder when you are gay." More of the same I won't bore you with...
I consider being bisexual for the night. After all, he is a porn star. I decide I prefer the Canadian. But, since I'm feeling tired and I'm leaving the next day, I go to bed alone once more... har har
Thursday, May 3, 2007
some points about ego
A defintition of ego I find quite useful: ego is that self-conception which has no basis (or little basis) in reality, to which you have developed attachment or repulsion. I like this definition because it can include mental states as shyness or self-loathing.
One way I have been experiancing ego-creation lately is in the way I re-hash past experiances. If they seem to reflect negatively on me I will often find myself trying to remember them differently so that I am painted in a better light or as the hero. One good reason to stay mentally vigilant and to live in the present.
You might wonder what is wrong with being egotistical. After all, some people are just better than others. The point is that this is usually only in a few aspects -- since there is such variety in humanity. And, that it undermines the potential growth of other peoples skills (because your assumption of superiority is demotivating). The last and most important point, is that because your ego is often not based in reality and because existence is constantly changing, what you feel egotistical about now will be lost (the obvious example is beauty, but I think it works for all ego states). And with this loss comes unhappiness.
One way I have been experiancing ego-creation lately is in the way I re-hash past experiances. If they seem to reflect negatively on me I will often find myself trying to remember them differently so that I am painted in a better light or as the hero. One good reason to stay mentally vigilant and to live in the present.
You might wonder what is wrong with being egotistical. After all, some people are just better than others. The point is that this is usually only in a few aspects -- since there is such variety in humanity. And, that it undermines the potential growth of other peoples skills (because your assumption of superiority is demotivating). The last and most important point, is that because your ego is often not based in reality and because existence is constantly changing, what you feel egotistical about now will be lost (the obvious example is beauty, but I think it works for all ego states). And with this loss comes unhappiness.
Diary Entry: Second day in Bangkok: Peace returns
You'll be pleased to know that I feel much more peaceful today, so hopefully this entry will not be sex obsessed.
I've decided to leave. Even though I have enjoyed myself much more today (I could blame yesterday on travel fatigue.)... I'm finding the city and people (once they have stopped trying to make money off you) quite beautiful. It is hard not to feel at home when people share such friendly smiles with you. It may be because I'm in a toursit quarter but there is a such a sense of activity and bustle -- but mostly without the stress and irratation you find in other big cities. Today is Saturday (another reason perhaps) and large groups of Thai stand talking on the streets or watch thai boxing on TVs placed outside (to escape the heat) .
I'm writing this into my diary while sitting inside a buddhist shrine. The quitest place I could find! Somehow I feel self-conscious and pretentious writing at a coffee shop or similiar. The designs in the shrine are a interesting mixture of Mahayana (Chinese influences) and Therevada buddhism (from India). In front of me there is a peaceful looking gilt buddha sitting on a throne embellished with a intricate design of an angry bearded man appearing from the clouds!
But, I think it is time to leave. My time before I start work is short and I would like to climb and spend some time on the beach.
Paul
I've decided to leave. Even though I have enjoyed myself much more today (I could blame yesterday on travel fatigue.)... I'm finding the city and people (once they have stopped trying to make money off you) quite beautiful. It is hard not to feel at home when people share such friendly smiles with you. It may be because I'm in a toursit quarter but there is a such a sense of activity and bustle -- but mostly without the stress and irratation you find in other big cities. Today is Saturday (another reason perhaps) and large groups of Thai stand talking on the streets or watch thai boxing on TVs placed outside (to escape the heat) .
I'm writing this into my diary while sitting inside a buddhist shrine. The quitest place I could find! Somehow I feel self-conscious and pretentious writing at a coffee shop or similiar. The designs in the shrine are a interesting mixture of Mahayana (Chinese influences) and Therevada buddhism (from India). In front of me there is a peaceful looking gilt buddha sitting on a throne embellished with a intricate design of an angry bearded man appearing from the clouds!
But, I think it is time to leave. My time before I start work is short and I would like to climb and spend some time on the beach.
Paul
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